Telephone Conversation with Edet

 

Last night, or this morning more like, Edet called me. Edet and I are friends; he’s stupid (in a good way) and he makes me laugh.
Edet called me at twelve midnight to let me know I had forgotten his birthday and he was punishing me by stealing my sleep. I told him he’s stupid, but, that has already been established. We had a very interesting conversation about Edet’s latest flirtation with Mary Jane, then Edet told me he wants to get a tattoo. I don’t get it. I think he’s going to look like a thug and in the most unflattering manner. He doesn’t think so. According to him, his whole family knows about his fascination with body art – his poor poor mother. I told him the idea is nonsense; I mean, first of all, Edet is really dark and I’ve never understood why darkskin people get tattoos; I mean like your skin is dark and you want dark ink on it too *Ugh*. don’t even get me started on when they include colour: its like Mr.T and Kehlani after a whirlwind marijuana and meth fueled romance – not good. I told him he’s going to look like Lil Wayne had a career ending accident; he said I’m crazy and he defended his skin colour: how his face is really dark, but his body is chocolate AND he’s hot so it wouldn’t look tacky. But then, I started making sense y’know…
Edet lives in Anthony and appaz all his goons have tats from this dude on the Island. I told him he could as well just get a tat that says “I’m an Athony boy”, he laughed. He thinks its funny. smh. kmt. Children of nowadays. He said I was being prejudiced and I hadn’t heard what he wanted to get so I gave him a chance to tell me: he wants to get a barcode which I have to admit is pretty dope. But y’all just reason with me for a sec: Edet likes tattoos, he gets this really dope barcode tattoo which as far as I’m concerned is like declaring your ho status, but with an upgrade: the chics can scan the barcode to be sure they’re safe from any venereal diseases, Edet said I’m very retarded for thinking like that, but I don’t want him to end up a serial tattoist so I did what every good friend does at such times: go from 0 to 100 times 50. I told him the barcode would be like a new toy then he’d get used to it, then the angel wings will be tattooed on his back (but not everybody is Patch a la Hush Hush). Oga said he needed a reminder why he talked to me in the first place, but I was telling the truth. barcode would become old news, then he’d want wings on his back which (Edet being the narcissist that he is) would make him want to be constantly shirtless which might lead to an everyday evening basketball playing session addiction which would have nothing to do with his good loking torso. Eventually, Lil Kim (barcode) and Nicki Minaj (angel wings) would get old too and then FKA Twigs (some other tattoo) would become main chic and it’d go on and on like that till there’s no other place to tattoo except his pee stick. He said he’d thought about that part, but, he still loves the idea of body art and I’m mad to think he’d tattoo his pee stick. I told him I’d text my henna artist’s number to him. He laughed again.
He still argued that the tattoos wouldn’t be taccky because the tattoo artist he intends to use is “the guy that did his goons’ and this dude is on the Island y’know – rocking expensive shit”. I told him to imagine the worst possible scenario; like what if the guy is schizophernic and he kills Edet with the needle because the ink told him to or he could successfully get tattooed and then after school, he’ll propose to bae and she’ll accept because love and then she takes him home; plot twist is her daddy was a former CIA agent with x-ray vision and he sees the tats through Edet’s clothing and doesn’t give his blessing and maybe sends Edet to death row. I’d have lost a friend and I’d have to begrudgingly console his widowed fiancee. Not Cool. Then again, this tattoo artist guy may like dark Calabar boys… if you know what I mean and the tattoo business is a trap for this specie of male. or worst of all, he’s the biblical Horseman of War and the tattoo business is a front for his real mission: gathering souls for his evil army to unleash the end of days. It’d be easy for him ’cause Edet would go willingly for a tattoo unbeknownst to him that once the needle makes contact with his blood as a result of the skin injury of said tattoo, his soul will belong to The Horseman and he’ll be an d evil soldier and at the end he’ll go to hell fire and all I’d be able to do is watch from heaven… Not Cool At All. Edet laughed so hard.
I guess that was his birthday gift from me: Silver and Gold had I none, but, vivid imagination with the power to bring laughter have I. Happy birthday Eddie.

PS: menage a trois are dum.

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